Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ups and Downs

So for those of you who don't know I had a birthday this week.  Tom and I hired a babysitter and went out to lunch and a movie on Sunday.  We went to a great new to us Italian restaurant.  Then we went to see Dear John.  It was okay but so was the book.  I love Nicholas Sparks so the book did not disappoint but was just not as good as his other books.  It was really a great day on Sunday.  Now as most of you who know me are aware Valentine's Day and my birthday are a pretty big deal.  There is a lot of pressure on Tom to out do himself every year.  Now I will admit he usually does a GREAT job.  The last couple of years have been tough.  We have two kids now and less money.  So my birthday came and went just like any other day.  No big deal but in all honesty it was not a great day.  I do not want to whine and complain but I do want to say getting older is NO FUN!  :)
Also, it has been just a very trying couple of weeks with our three year old.  Ever since Jonas was sick and has gotten "better" he has been a MONSTER.  I am ready to take him to get an exorcism.  NO lie.  He just is throwing HUGE fits for hours and nothing works to calm him down.  You cannot talk to him or reason with him, not that you can anyway, and there is just no calming him at ALL.  He started acting like this around a year ago.  When he turned two and a half the 'terrible twos' started.  I hate to tell all of you mothers who have yet to enter 2/3 age group.  IT IS HORRIBLE!!!!!  It is a little glimpse into the teen years really.  I am really at my wits end.  I tried reading this new book and trying to think of new ways to handle him but there is just no handling him.  So right around when he turned 3 he got a little better.  I really started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  OH no, no, no, no....  The worst was just around the corner.  The last three weeks have been worse than the 6 months between 2 1/2 and three years old.  I really am starting to lose it.  Somedays I just burst into tears for no reason.  I get so frustrated and I just do not treat Jonas very nicely sometimes.
With all of that said.  He has moments that he is just delightful.  He is absolutely OBSESSED with trains.  It is really fun to see his enthusiasm and enjoyment.  It is hard to see these things when he has been screaming and crying and hitting, and spitting and throwing himself on the floor for hours and hours.  I never knew that being a Mom would be so hard.  I doubt myself constantly.  How do you know that you are doing the right thing?  Is it wrong to want to just walk out the door sometimes?  Oh, the guilt and pressure.  I know this to shall pass but when?
On a completely different note.  Tuesday I taught the ladies bible class.  I really enjoyed doing it besides feeling completely inadequate.  I was also VERY nervous.  It went okay I think and I actually walked away from it really pondering what I had talked about.  So if no one got anything out of it, I did.  It made me think about the influence I am having on the world and my children.  I do not feel like I show Christ the way I should and I know I do not show Him with my kids like I should.  Yes, we go to church and we pray at the dinner table and Jonas LOVES going to church but do I really show Christ to my kids?  It is such a scary job to be a parent.  I just hope that one day Jonas and Tinzley can look back and think about how they had a happy childhood.  :)
I feel like I am just rambling on here.  It is late and I need to go to bed.  I have been staying up to watch the Olympics.  Also, very interesting.  These people have such a determination and dedication to their sport.  It is truly inspiring.  I still have no idea what I am doing and where I am going with my life.  Hopefully something will come clear soon.
Good night!