Saturday, May 1, 2010

Some Pics and a Happy Belated Birthday

I cannot believe that in one week Tinzley is going to be one year.  It is crazy to think about all the things that have happened this year.  We have had a lot of changes and a lot of blessings.  We have hard times, good times, sad times, happy times, and times of frustration and confusion.  I have personally had a year of a lot of thinking, praying, and figuring out of what I want to do with this life I have been given.  I never wanted to stay home with my kids.  I never thought I could do it or be able to do it.  Last year I was forced with a decision.  Last year to the day I was told I would no longer have a job teaching third grade.  Last year when I found this out I was planning to have a baby in a week.  Last year I thought this was the worst possible news I could have gotten.  (I have learned it is not the worst news just not good news)  Yes, I could have gone a looked for a job.  The thought of that was so overwhelming at the time that I just shut down that option altogether.  How could I go look for a job?  Someone had just told me I was not good enough.  Someone had just told me you do NOT have what it takes to be a good teacher, or to be a teacher at all.   I will admit I did not LOVE my job everyday but I did love those kids.  I loved the people I worked with and my team.  That was all taken from me.  This are all the things I had to think about last year. 
It took me almost the whole year to admit to myself and to my very patient and understanding husband that I had lost ALL confidence in myself.  As a teacher, as a mother, a wife, a daughter.  I was not good enough to hold down a job and help support my family.  I was not good enough to teach other people's children, how would I teach my own?  I had failed.  This is how I saw it and I saw it no other way. 
Okay, I say all of that to say this.  I do not know if I was suppose to stay home.  I know that I would not have made that decision if I had not been forced to.  I do feel as though this year has taught me a lot about myself, my kids, my walk with Christ, and what I really want for my life.  It has been hard.  It has been challenging.  Staying home can be a very lonely place.  You can feel as though no one understands or cares about your life because your life is your kids, your husband, your house.  You give and give and give and on some days get nothing back and other days get a smile, or flowers, or someone else doing the dishes, or someone else doing bath time, or an uninterupted shower.  This are the things you have to look forward to.  These are the things that really matter.  TIME.  TIME with your family, time with your kids.  You only get so much.  Jonas is going to be 4 in October and Tinzley is turning 1.  I only have a few years left until they are off to school and then time REALLY flies by.  Do I appreciate everyday?  NO.  Do somedays I suck as a mom?  YES! (Just ask Jonas)  Do I try my best?  YES  Am I happy?  This is the question I struggle with everyday.  How does one measure happiness?  It is so hard.  In my heart I know the answer is a resounding YES.  But sometimes it is hard.  I let other things get in the way.  Money is a big one.  Selfishness also a BIG one.  What does yourself matter anymore when you have kids?  It doesn't.  That is hard because we, well I, struggle with selfishness and materialism.  I also have very little patience.  I want to be better.  I want to do what is right and I think staying home has really helped.  No excuses. 
(Sorry, if you are reading this and thinking where is she going?  No where.  I ramble.  My english teachers hated me!  :)  I am not a very good writer so sorry!  I just write how I talk.)
I just want to say thank you to those who have helped me on my bad days, hung out with me and my kids on good days, lisitened to stories, commented on my pictures or blogposts, responded to emails, been my friend, encouraged me through examples you set, answered the phone when you saw it was me (again), and taken on my kids so I could have a break.  :)  You all know who you are.  Those who are reading this and this is not news to you.  You were there for me.  So THANK YOU!  I am still wrestling with the idea of working.  My parents on moving down here soon and that would make it convienent.  But most of the time it just does not feel right to leave my kids with someone else even if it is family.
Just keep us in your prayers that we know what the right answer/path is for us to follow.

Also, a very happy birthday to my AMAZING husband.  I LOVE YOU! 

So here are some pics that I promised.  Tinzley is getting into everything and is everywhere.  She has some very silly faces.  She took a little spill about a week ago.  So that is the mark on her nose. 


Emily said...

Reading this was emotional for me. I actually wanted to stay home, but it has not turned out to be what I expected and some days I really struggle with a lot of the things you were talking about. Thank you for encouraging me and thank you for being so honest!
PS - I think you are a super cool mom. I love reading your blog and seeing your beautiful kids. You're doing a great job!